My world doesn’t make as much sense without you in it, like I’ve been left to finish a game without knowing the rules. Death is so many things, but mostly it feels unfair and impossible. A reality in which you don’t exist to love us as fiercely as you did, doesn’t feel like reality at all. There was so much more for you to show me, wisdom you so readily imparted on me throughout my life. You have left me to navigate the winding unchartered paths alone – without the light of your wisdom. All of our worlds were being held together with bricks you laid so carefully, gently, with purpose and love. These walls are quickly crumbling and I don’t know how to get a grasp on a proper adhesive to hold them up.
You would know. You could have told me.
You’ve taken a piece of my heart with you. It beats differently now in the absence of your voice, your warmth, your embrace. I just wish you’d known it was already yours – because you loved me, because you loved others who loved me. Your love transcends and transfers from one life to the next. I want so desperately to be present with you, sipping coffee on your porch looking out across the California or Texas sky. One last bear hug or cup of coffee or kiss in my ear. I wish to feel your love wash over me again for even a moment, knowing full well it would never be enough.
What will I do when your footprints wash away and scent fades from your sweaters? For now my sleep is stalked by vivid dreams of you and me together again, as if you had never left my side; the memory of you bursting with all the colors I always saw you in. I will hold onto the memory I’ve constructed of you in my mind, for as long as I can, because it’s all that I have. But when the day comes, when the vibrancy of you has drifted and the imprint fades – well, I dread that day with all the heart that I have left.
there is no right future
or wrong past
or regrettable present
these paths we find ourselves on are translucent.
The molecules shifting in and out of physical realms
failing to maintain any kind of consistency we
can hold in our aching hands for
more than the fleeting moment it
takes to look over our shoulder, and
return our gaze to the front – only to find
the scenery has betrayed our memory.
I have decided not to look forward or
to dwell in my footsteps, but rather set my sights
inward where the path cannot dictate which direction
my life should take. Where there are no
shades of right or wrong or regrettable.
Only a moment.
Something I can trust.
Thunderbolts and black seas, waves crashing against aged sand turned to rock.
A winter sky blanketed with stars, against a backdrop of spilled ink;
Summer’s darkest hours no match for the stubborn December dusk.
Dragging cold graphite across balmy skin
never leaving its mark, too light to be seen with any contrast
Oh how the fine point curls and crawls
as it struggles to make an indent
Applying pressure, looking for a kind of proof
that will carry on
Showing, without a shadow of a doubt —
something was there.
Push me away
Pull me close
I have seen the storms
and the rain does
not wash me into the
river; I cannot be taken
off to the sea. I stand
where you see me, still
and stable – so that I can
tell you what it’s like to
be drenched to the bone,
and still find a way
to feel warmth in the sun.
An acquaintance with nature and the outside world is something so easily taken for granted. Surrounded by trees towering at seemingly boundless heights, I am reminded of my childhood and the time I spent every moment possible exploring the natural world. There is still so much of that in me now. Where I once found imagination and playful adventure, I now discover peace and wonder at the world around me that simply exists, without the tampering or meddling of the many chaotic complexities we apply to our lives. A kind of worship unfolds under the canopies of trees, on the shores of lakes and oceans, in the quiet of a meadow hidden away – far from the constructed noise that surrounds us day in and day out.
I feel an immense gratitude for simplicity; for the gift of being able to step outside my thoughts, the loudness of worry, insecurity, uncertainty – and just be. There is no room for judgement here, just the open arms of the breeze, the sun coming up over the mountains, sweet songs of birds echoing from all directions. A part of me comes from this place, is born here and desires to surrender for however long I’m welcome.
The rain is all but drizzling through me
in the same way your thoughts course
from your lips to my palms